Summer has finally arrived (it has been here for a while, but it’s worth mentioning). Because who wouldn’t like highs of 45º, tourists filling all the beaches, and, of course, the ritual of examining the ice cream menu at the local beach bar. That eternal indecision ritual where you don’t know whether to take a risk with something new or stick with the choice you made at six years old and never, ever changed.
Year after year the classics survive among the new internet trends, and this year everything points to pistachio in all its forms and Dubai chocolate being our nemeses. That’s why today I’m here, with the caution that characterizes me, to once again lay down the law on another gastronomic category for which I am clearly unqualified: ice cream. This ranking will be the manual you turn to when you need a beacon of coherence while standing in the frozen aisle.
15. Fantasmikos
It is a moral duty to put an end to this myth. Across Spain, from top to bottom and bottom to top, there is a clamor that Fantasmikos are great. Not in my name. Bland flavors, sticks that stick, and a very, very high melting rate. They didn’t convince me at seven years old, they don’t convince me today.
Note: ❄ 1 frosty, for the colors.
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14. Casatta
NO, NO AND NO. It goes against all moral norms to cut an ice cream with a knife and put it between two wafers. Whose idea was it to mistreat summer like that? Also, we all know there are flavors of casatta that are disliked because you only like two (or one) from the pack. Forced inclusion of unpopular ice cream flavors like strawberry, and terrible flavors like chocolate. I’ve said it.
Note: ❄ 1.5 frostys, for the photo of Mariano Rajoy eating a casatta in a peculiar way in June 2016 at Los Italianos in Granada.
13. Colajet
I’ve never been especially a fan of mixing too many things in an ice cream, but combining lemon – which I love – CocaCola (which I hate) and chocolate; with fruits it’s my biggest nightmare, it’s just too much. I also don’t like its shape, since I don’t think the three-dimensional form of this ice cream makes it comfortable to eat. But I like the space-themed packaging. Not everything in a burnt forest is burnt oregano.
Note: ❄ 1.75 frostys, to justify it being above the casatta.
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12. Dracula
You already know my aversion to Coca Cola. I can’t help it. In this case, we have a strawberry ice cream coated with Coca Cola with a vanilla base. And to make matters worse, it leaves your tongue all red. I understand that’s the point of the ice cream, but it’s unpleasant. I affirm that I have consumed only one Dracula in my entire life and it will never happen again.
Note: ❄ 2 frostys, because my mother really likes it.
11. Pirulo
This one is tasty, but back to the architecture of the ice cream itself. It didn’t feel comfortable, it forced me to do some oral gymnastics I wasn’t used to at a young age. A good ice cream has to consider its flavor but also its user experience, which was totally ignored when designing the Pirulo. Not for me.
Note: ❄ 2.25 frostys, because it’s the first one that tastes good.
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10. Chococlack
This one is delicious but I don’t place it higher because the competition is overwhelming. Chococlack, an eternally copied ice cream, has that je ne sais quoi necessary for an ice cream to stay in everyone’s mind. A chocolate coating, with vanilla inside – GOOD combination – with a hard chocolate core that makes a clack. Choco-Clack. Exactly. This is a good ice cream, a good narrative, and a construction that excites.
Note: ❄ 7 frostys, to show the quality leap.
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9. Mikolápiz
This ice cream is the best: it was an emotion, a concept, a revolution of interactive ice creams. I think, to be objective, it was a bit impractical. But who cares about practicality when you’re eating a vanilla pencil – the best flavor – with a chocolate graphite tip? It’s pop perfection. But you got ice cream all over the place, that’s a penalty.
Note: ❄ 7.5 frostys.
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8. Frigopie
To show it’s not hatred of fruit or strawberry, it’s common sense. A strawberry ice cream, tasty, with ONE FLAVOR, with a cool concept and a funny appearance. Well, I think it’s very good, and of course it’s better than its cousin the Frigodedo. I think I’ve eaten at most two frigopies in my entire life and both were over 15 years ago, but I have good memories. It’s: tasty.
Note: ❄ 8 frostys for being one of the most iconic ice creams in history.
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7. Negritón
It’s a bit excessive, but it’s one of the tastiest ice creams I’ve eaten. Maybe the bulky appearance can be intimidating, but once you start biting, between the chocolate layer, the bits inside, and the mix it creates, it’s everything. It’s like the unextruded version of a Cornetto. I liked it. But it’s also been 15 or 20 years since I last ate one (maybe I should have updated this ice cream list, so the writer of this article isn’t a seven-year-old from his visceral memory).
Note: ❄ 8.5 frostys, for the good times.
6. Cornetto
We were dragging the joke on too long. Cornetto is the classic, no bad words. It’s an ice cream that always works, it knows it, and that’s its biggest weakness. It gets comfortable. I don’t want modern Cornettos with impossible flavors, I want Cornettos that finally solve the problem of no ice cream at the bottom or the tip chipping at the slightest touch. And I want the lid not to flatten the ice cream on top. Come on now.
Note: ❄ 8.75 frostys for its counterproductive comfort.
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5. Magnum
Top 5, things get serious. Magnum is simply a perfect ice cream, a balanced flavor, thousands of options: everyone likes some Magnum. That perfection, again, is what kills it. Eating a Magnum is as unexciting as making yourself a French omelette sandwich; it’s tasty, yes, but so obvious it’s boring. Nevertheless, its incredible flavor, no matter how boring, has eliminated 10 other ice creams. Honor.
Note: ❄ 9 frostys, it’s my father’s favorite, whom he calls ‘polo’.
4. Calippo
A strawberry or lime-lemon Calippo is a safe bet. It refreshes, tastes good, and is easy to eat. The only downside is that if you make the slightest mistake, you get ice cream all over your shirt, but well, it’s a minor flaw. Great ice cream, in the Olympus of freezers.
Note: ❄ 9.25 frostys, things are getting intense.
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3. Scoop Ice Cream
A mandatory mention for scoop ice cream. Among so many brands and so much plastic, where is the classic ice cream parlor scoop in its shiny cone? Optional, the little spoon in case you didn’t want to lick the scoop. The flavors are endless, as long as you don’t pick chocolate, strawberry, mint, tutti-frutti, or some of those obscenities. But where there is a good vanilla ice cream, lemon sorbet, or even Oreo, everything else can go away.
Note: ❄ 9.5 frostys, I still remember that ice cream in 2006 that fell to the ground with a lick in Olivenza, Badajoz.
2. Maxibón
Nothing to say. It’s incredible: just add that you start with the chocolate and finish with the cookie. What a splendid ice cream, what a whirlwind of emotions. What a perfect balance between before and after. These are ice creams that embrace the soul.
Note: ❄ 10 frostys, it’s one of the best there is.
1. Pingu
No doubt about it. It’s a penguin head filled with vanilla that you have to remove the little hat from to start eating; the procedure is a bit sinister, but you have to abstract yourself. It was the quintessential kids’ ice cream at the restaurant. Whenever I went to Elvas (Portugal) to eat, Pingu was a must. I still do it today. Traditions are kept. Long live Pingu.
Note: ❄ 28 frostys, and that seems few to me.
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As you can see, ice creams accept all kinds of interpretations, and this is all the wisdom I can offer on the subject. But well, if there’s something to disagree on, better it be about ice creams and not, I don’t know, Human Rights. So on my part, as long as you leave the latter alone, argue about the former as much as you want. Greetings from the freezer.
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