Few things annoy first-time parents more than feeling judged by others, especially those who dare to give parenting advice without knowing their full reality (or even without knowing them at all). But hey, in a country where everyone is a football coach and minister of whatever, advice is given freely even if it annoys and even if no one asked for it.
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On the other hand, there are also people who have been through it and think: “Poor things, maybe they haven’t noticed this important detail; I’m going to warn them to do them a favor with all the love in my heart.” Intrusion or generosity? When we open our mouths, sometimes we mess up and other times we are very helpful, so here I bring you the typical pros and cons of giving parenting advice. And then you decide if you tell the first-timers or let them manage on their own.
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Wisdom must be shared
- If given with altruistic good intention and not from critical paternalism, any advice that can help a small child (and their family) will be welcome.
- It’s true that there are many sources of information, but sometimes parents are so overwhelmed with a problem or so tired from parenting that they haven’t thought about looking for or don’t see the most obvious solutions. In such cases, a shared moment of empathy and concrete help can mean great relief.
- If you have already solved the parenting puzzle or passed several levels of the video game, you can save others time or energy by quickly solving a problem for them.
- The voice of experience should be taken advantage of. You don’t always have to mess up personally to learn and improve. Especially when we talk about the child’s health problems, where someone with more years of parenting behind them can detect symptoms faster (simply because they have already gone through that stage).
- Sometimes, more than the advice, what is valued is the empathy of shared experience, knowing that everyone at some point was as lost and overwhelmed as you.
- If you trust AI or any expert you see on Instagram, why wouldn’t you appreciate the support of someone with good intentions? Especially if it’s someone you know and whose opinion you value. This doesn’t happen as much when a stranger approaches you on the street.
- No matter how much you have researched and prepared for your parenting, how present you are in your children’s lives, and how watchful you are of everything, any new perspective can help you see something you haven’t yet discovered or thought of.
Let each family organize as they wish
- In general, parents nowadays do the best they can and have more resources and information at hand than ever before. Bombarding them with advice is not trusting them, undermining their self-esteem, and biting them with the poison of doubt and insecurity.
- Each family raises children according to their own style, as they can and want, depending on the time, energy, and money they have. If they need help, they might ask for it, but if not, unsolicited advice can sound like criticism.
- Sometimes advice is given more to gain authority and self-esteem for the giver than to help the little ones. If you haven’t studied medicine, don’t try to validate the degree and medical residency by overwhelming poor first-timers.
- Several opposing pieces of advice suggested by different people, instead of calming, generate more unease and family conflict. Which mother-in-law is listened to more? And how does that affect the couple? Does a grandmother know more than a neighbor? Who will be more offended and outraged if their advice is ignored in favor of the option suggested by the other party?
- There are advice and practices from our childhood or that of our parents that nowadays are totally outdated, can be wrong or harmful, or simply seem incredible to us (like giving brandy to children when they complain). If someone of a certain age tries to impose them on you, not only do you still have the specific parenting problem, but you also have to debate with the tribe elder, who will get angry with you in real time.
- Although people give advice in good faith, sometimes they are annoying, insistent, and base all their wisdom on their own personal experience. Here, of course, you have to distinguish between the words of someone who deals with dozens of children through their work and the experience of someone who had a couple of children 40 years ago. Because what worked for them in those specific cases may not be a universal rule for guaranteed success.
- Each child is unique and their parents are the ones who know them best and know when to worry or when the situation is totally normal. For those of us with warm children who never bundle up, controversy arises every time we go outside and anonymous ladies come in flocks wanting to put sweaters on them.
And you, do you accept advice or growl at strangers? I’ll read you in the comments.
