Alba, 27 years old, last met with one of her lifelong friends three months ago. They had dinner and she paid the bill for both. She never got the money back. It wasn’t the first time her friend didn’t pay her, but she was clear that this would be the last. “With the excuse that she would pay me later, she ended up owing me quite a bit of money and I, out of embarrassment, never insisted that she pay me back,” she explains. In a case like hers, what weighs more: friendship, money, or honesty? The repetition and constant increase of that monetary debt ended up affecting their relationship. “One day I told her I didn’t want to lose her friendship, but maintaining it was costing me an extra expense that she wasn’t concerned about. We keep talking, but we haven’t seen each other again; she also didn’t insist on paying me back what I had paid for her,” she recalls.
Read more Barcelona will set up a giant screen in Glòries to watch the Women’s Champions League final
Feeling obliged to claim a debt is a costly situation for anyone, especially if the other person doesn’t give us information about when they will return the money or doesn’t bring up the topic, explains Lucía Camín, clinical psychologist and director of Alcea Psicología. “It puts us in a position where we have to be the ones to take the initiative to resolve the situation, and that’s not pleasant,” she comments. No matter how legitimate a claim is, it’s always uncomfortable to have to ask for something, but even more so for those who have “a special difficulty in addressing conflicts and tend rather to ignore or avoid them,” Camín maintains.
This claim is not only an economic management of our finances. “It is also an emotional management of oneself and of the relationship maintained with the person to whom you lent the money. It’s not so much about the value of that money, but about the conflict that can arise with the other person and the violation of the self-image as a generous, kind, understanding, or discreet person,” argues David López, psychiatrist and director of menteAmente. This debt may be of small amounts, but it has a much greater emotional value for the person who lent it: “The creditor realizes that not only is the value of the loaned money at stake, but also the bond with that person, the harmony of the group they belong to, and the image they may have of themselves. One might even ask: What is worth more, our friendship or the money I lent? The pressure is on the creditor, when it should be on the debtor,” López emphasizes.
Avoiding conflict with the debtor only “shifts the suffering inward in the form of anxiety, rumination, and resentment,” explains the psychiatrist, who adds: “We have learned to stay silent and adapt to the environment rather than communicate assertively when we need something.” That is precisely what happened to Alba. “After that conversation, the topic of money never came up again. I paid for dinners because she didn’t have a job and I didn’t mind receiving the money a few days later. The problem came when she started working and still didn’t settle our debt. Not even a part,” she recalls.
So it’s not just about losing an amount of money, the emotional factor also comes into play, which can determine what will happen with that relationship. “The person has experienced a loss of their resources, which is important, but even more important is feeling the loss of trust, because money becomes a symbol of friendship,” defends the psychologist. No matter how much you care, it’s a gesture that is not easily forgotten: “The debt remains like an open emotional account. It’s not just the money that is remembered, but the gesture, the trust, the moment when help was given, even the personal effort it involved. This is not forgotten,” López explains.
Read more An Israeli airstrike kills the military leader of Hamas in Gaza
In that internal conflict, all possible emotions appear: “Anger: ‘I think it’s terrible, I need it too’; guilt, for not daring to ask for it; shame, which is the emotion we feel when we anticipate or know someone thinks badly of us; or fear that the person will get angry with us, that the relationship will deteriorate or even break,” explains Camín. According to the psychologist, “shame and fear win the battle. We prefer to hold on to our anger or discomfort rather than risk them thinking badly of us or spoiling or losing the relationship. Also, there is always the hope that the other will take the initiative sooner or later and pay us back.”
Both experts recommend setting a maximum date for resolving that debt, no matter the amount, before accepting that loan or payment. “Remembering that someone owes you money is uncomfortable, it can cause shame and one can feel inappropriate. This mainly happens when the loan was made without specifying how and when it would be repaid,” López emphasizes.
But, is it an involuntary or deliberate forgetfulness? “It forces one to recognize that something is pending, that it hasn’t been fulfilled, or that one depends on the other. The human mind has a great capacity to set aside, minimize, or postpone what harms one’s own image. That’s why sometimes there isn’t innocent forgetfulness, but defensive forgetfulness,” the psychiatrist clarifies. When the other party, whether friend, family member, or acquaintance, decides to ignore and overlook that situation, that’s when problems begin. That debt ends up symbolizing “accumulated resentment, lack of gratitude, and the experience of sustained abuse or inequality.”
So, how does one face the situation of asking for the money back? “It is important to be assertive in communication, which means asking about the matter kindly, directly, and specifically: ‘Do you remember that I lent you this money on this date? I would like to know when you could pay me back.’ Of course, avoiding reproach at all costs, as it would generate unnecessary tension in the conversation,” advises the psychologist. For his part, the psychiatrist specifies that it is better to try to solve the problem before it is too late: “This usually appears when one waits too long. By then, one is already full of discomfort and cannot express oneself assertively. The message should be a calm claim rather than a release of accumulated resentment.”