September brings with it some of the great classics of everyday conversations: post-vacation syndrome, the difficulty of getting back into schedules, and nostalgia for the summer days. However, for many mothers and fathers, returning to routine awakens an emotion that is rarely talked about: relief.
After several weeks living together 24 hours a day, it is not surprising that the first trip to work is experienced as a reunion with a part of oneself that had been on hold for some time. Being able to start and finish a coffee quietly. Having a conversation without interruptions. Thinking for a few minutes about something unrelated to backpacks, snacks, or limits. However, that small relief is usually accompanied by a pang of guilt: what kind of mother or father am I if I needed to go back to work?
Psychology has been explaining it for over a century
This issue is not new. At the beginning of the 20th century, Swiss psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler coined the term “ambivalence” to describe the coexistence of opposing feelings toward the same person. Shortly after, Sigmund Freud incorporated the concept into psychoanalysis to explain that love and rejection can coexist in the same bond. Decades later, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott showed that this emotional complexity is also part of the everyday experience of caregiving. Today, research in psychology has confirmed that experiencing contradictory emotions simultaneously is completely normal.
It is possible to love your children deeply and, at the same time, need a break from the demands of caregiving; to enjoy family vacations and wish to return to routine; or to feel sadness when the school door closes and experience, just seconds later, a deep sense of calm.
Why is it so hard to accept this reality in parenting?
It is not strange for anyone to admit that it is possible to love your partner deeply and, at the same time, need time alone; that work can be a source of fulfillment and yet you look forward to vacations. However, when we talk about the relationship with children, that same complexity seems to lose legitimacy. Parenting in general — and motherhood in particular — continues to be shaped by an ideal of self-sacrifice and unconditional dedication.
Under that view, caregiving should be a source of permanent satisfaction, with no room for tiredness, ambivalence, or the need to disconnect. This vision, besides being unrealistic, makes it difficult for many families to talk naturally about a fairly common experience.
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Living for weeks with children or teenagers entails extraordinary emotional intensity. It means constantly responding to others’ needs, anticipating conflicts, managing emotions, organizing activities, solving unforeseen events, and maintaining a high level of physical and mental availability. Few human relationships require such a level of presence.
That is why dedicating a few hours to work, concentrating, talking with other adults, or simply being alone does not mean loving your children any less. It simply means that people need to alternate the different roles that are part of their identity.
Normalizing relief and ambivalence
Accepting ambivalence does not make anyone a worse mother or father; it is probably a sign of honesty. Families have the right to acknowledge tiredness, express that certain stages are especially challenging, or feel relief when they regain part of their routine. None of that calls into question the bond with their children.
Perhaps it is worth starting to normalize these emotions with the same naturalness with which physical tiredness or work stress are discussed. Because parenting, like any other significant human experience or bond, cannot be reduced to a permanent state of well-being, but involves living with complex and, at times, contradictory emotions.
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