In a sketch from Inside Amy Schumer, the comedian appears eating spaghetti with her hand on the couch when she receives a message from a man. “What are you wearing?” he asks. Of course, she refuses to tell the truth: she is wearing a worn-out t-shirt with a cat image and pajama pants. Sexting, which consists of sending photos, videos, or messages of sexual content through the phone, computer, or other technological device, is for some women a way to please from a distance without necessarily involving arousal.
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On social media, there are many videos of women who, while eating a snack, watching TV, or writing a work email, respond to risqué messages pretending to be aroused when in reality, they are just following a narrative thread that on one side is full of lies. In other videos, the person receiving the steamy messages comments aloud on their content, as if it were a text commentary, without a hint of arousal even though their response claims otherwise. Those who laugh at these situations receive hateful comments from some users, annoyed at imagining that something similar might be happening to them when they believe their lover receives their sexual messages with lust. They are hurt by the possibility that their interlocutor faces their words with resignation, boredom, or what bothers them most: mockery. Among the hateful comments, many women share similar situations. “They always like to provoke these kinds of situations when we are busy. I’ve had to start keeping sexy photos in reserve on my phone,” says one user. “The message I send: ‘Send me a sexy photo.’ What I’m really doing: plucking my eyebrows,” says another.
Bárbara Montes, a specialist in clinical sexology and couples therapy at Diversual, indicates that answering almost on autopilot, without much real involvement, reflects something very common: the dissociation between participating and connecting with the moment. “There’s nothing wrong with responding to sexting while doing other things; the problem arises when it becomes a habit of compliance rather than enjoyment. If a woman answers to keep the spark alive, without real desire, systematically, that is not feeding desire, it is emptying it of content,” she explains. She warns that this behavior, in the long run, can generate acted desire, where interest is simulated without genuinely feeling it to avoid conflict or disappointing the other person. “Honesty doesn’t kill the spark, it sustains it. It’s much more erotic to say ‘I don’t feel like it now, but tell me what you’d like to do to me later’ than to fake enthusiasm. That not only prevents disconnection but also opens a real conversation about what kind of stimulus works for each person: for some it will be sexting, for others a call, an audio message, or directly, the anticipation of a physical encounter,” she assures.
The study Youth and sex in the digital age. Sexting and pornography, conducted by the Reina Sofía Center of Fad Juventud, reveals that while the youngest group (15-19 years) tends to see sexting as a risky practice, the older group (20-30 years) sees it as just another sexual practice. The dating app Adopte launched a study revealing that 59% of Spaniards say they feel motivated to practice it. 71% confess to having done it with people they only consider ‘a fling’ and 53% with people they don’t know. 93% say they love maintaining a conversation with risqué messages. Silvia Sanz, psychologist and sexologist, explained to El País that “in contexts of greater female sexual freedom, women also feel much more comfortable in the realm of digital interaction.” In contrast, in more conservative or misogynistic societies, “a woman who takes the initiative or displays her body is much more likely to be judged.”
It is important to emphasize, as sexologist and couples therapist Eva Moreno points out, that this practice can be enjoyed by both men and women. “When a woman doesn’t respond with the same intensity, it’s possibly because she’s doing other things, as we are experts in multitasking. That said: if someone responds unwillingly or rolls their eyes, I recommend commenting on what they really feel like or what kind of sexting fits them at that moment,” she tells S Moda. “Eroticism is not nourished by being someone you’re not. If sending these messages doesn’t please you, make other proposals. If your partner is asking for erotic behaviors you don’t want, look for others that suit both of you,” she says. Sexting is so common that it appears in many TV series, as in the first season of Beef and in Más que rivales. Journalist Angelina Mazza commented in Slate how much she likes that the popular Movistar Plus+ series includes such a scene. “I love it when a romance includes text messages. When someone can joke and flirt by message, I find it sexy,” she says.
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Paula is a physiotherapist and shares her impressions with S Moda. “There are two types of sexting: the one you do when you’re really aroused and the one out of obligation, the one you do because the other person has become very persistent and you end up telling them you’re touching yourself when in reality, you’re doing the laundry. The difference lies in trust, truth, and charisma,” she says. “When you like someone on a dating app or Instagram who’s hot, the problem is when he’s aware of it and thinks that by sending you a photo of his genitals — which, by the way, is very basic — you should feel grateful. But then he doesn’t know how to say anything sexy, the text he sends shows his immense ego — ‘Do you like what you see?’ ‘When I see you, I’ll do what no one has done to you’ — and the photo ends your expectations. There’s also the man you’ve been flirting with for a while, who has given you trust, flatters you, and wants to get to know you. Then, the thrill comes into play and good sexting begins,” she assures.
Clinical psychologist and sexologist Mariona Gabarra makes an observation. “Although sometimes this can be wonderful to break sexual monotony, among young people it is often a sign that something is wrong. I meet many who say ‘sex is overrated’ and that to spend time, money, and effort going to ‘have sex,’ they prefer to chat for a while and masturbate. When you let them delve a little deeper, the real problem is that casual sex is trendy as a sign of ‘sexual freedom’ and ‘progress in sexuality,’ something that has become empty sex, devoid of emotions and boring,” she clarifies.
Marta, an administrative worker, confesses that she has never started a session of this type of message exchange and that many times she has written while doing other things. “I suppose at that moment I wasn’t aroused or I was too lazy for it to last long. And also, let’s be honest, because I was raised to please men and because of my problems saying no,” she clarifies. “But sometimes I have been aroused and enjoyed it. Recently, I met a guy through an app. Since I was traveling, we would write when we could and everything was quite exciting until he returned to Madrid. What happened to me is actually the reason I try to avoid sexting before meeting someone: he just wanted to ‘get dirty’ by message. We never met. To make matters worse, sexting excites me more if I have already met the person in real life,” she explains.
The key is to remember that although it can be a way to keep the spark alive, when it becomes an obligation or a tool of compliance, it turns into an act aimed at forgetting one’s own desire.
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