The long-awaited holidays arrive. So does that trip with friends that has been planned for months and for which money has been saved. But nothing goes as planned. That week of disconnection ends up turning into a nightmare: arguments, reproaches, and relationships that suddenly hang by a thread. It has always been said that living together kills friendships, but that is not always the main reason. Money can also be a source of problems: what is spent is questioned, what is left undone, what has to be paid because of someone else, and sometimes people may even feel left out for not having the same purchasing power.
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Marina P.’s trip, 29 years old, and her friends last summer almost blew up their group. “It was the first time we all left Spain together. During the planning, the first quarrels began to arise: some preferred a slightly more expensive and better-located hotel, and others didn’t mind having to take the metro for 35 minutes and save 20 euros,” she explains. Everything was resolved to benefit both parties, but more problems came once they arrived in Paris. “Two of them didn’t want to pay for certain plans,” she adds. Two days before their vacation ended, they found the solution after understanding that not everyone had planned that trip the same way or with the same budget: “We ended up doing those plans separately to avoid breaking the friendship and to not ruin the trip. In the end, we all enjoyed it in our own way and there were no reproaches.”
“On vacation, three psychological factors come together: increased social pressure, since summer is culturally associated with leisure and consumption; the break in routines, because improvisation and the intensity of leisure make economic differences more visible; and greater group exposure, because we spend more time with friends and family and plans are usually shared,” emphasizes psychologist Laura Izquierdo. Spending more time with our loved ones also means that “economic decisions are negotiated in groups, where tensions and disagreements emerge.” According to the expert, “many people feel that admitting an economic limitation can be interpreted as a personal failure or cause embarrassment” and there is also the “fear of being perceived as the one who sets limits on the group or spoils the plans.”
Holidays represent an extraordinary financial outlay and there will be those who can afford that expense and those who do so even if it means setting limits for the rest of the year. “Many people can assume the financial effort to avoid feeling left out of the group and, in the short term, this relieves the feeling of being different,” argues Lidia Pereira, health psychologist at the Victoria Martínez Psychology Center. The problem comes in the long term: “Maintaining a level of spending that does not match reality generates worry about money, stress, and anxiety. Psychologically, it is not only the economic impact but also the exhaustion caused by having to prove that you belong to the group.”
Social networks are part of the problem. It is where we see idyllic lives and dream trips that sometimes are far from reality. Then comparisons begin to arise. “If trips, restaurants, or experiences that one cannot afford are continuously shared, it is easy to interpret that one is falling behind. Social networks amplify this phenomenon because they show a very selected version of leisure, making certain lifestyles seem like the norm when they are not necessarily so,” explains Izquierdo. For her part, Pereira states that “we tend to evaluate our situation in relation to others”: “When we see that others can do all kinds of plans, go to festivals, concerts, or big trips, it is easy to feel frustration, guilt, or a sense of falling behind. This big showcase does not always reflect reality. What we see is only a part of others’ lives and does not necessarily reflect their economic situation.”
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Another problem is that associating friendship with consumption has become normalized. “It can make us forget that the main function of friendship is to share time and mutual support, not a certain level of spending or a specific plan,” points out Izquierdo. Marina learned from that experience: “I have always believed that a trip can be organized taking everyone’s preferences into account and that there is no need to make people feel bad or leave them out because of that. It is a moment of disconnection and it does not have to mean the end of a years-long friendship. It is a matter of adaptation and listening to everyone.”
It is essential that there is communication in the group to avoid unwanted conflicts. “The most common mistake is usually not a lack of sensitivity, but assuming that the budget that is affordable for one is also for the rest. Sometimes activities are proposed without opening space to talk about costs or without offering alternatives at different prices,” Izquierdo explains. Furthermore, she argues that a “I can’t” should not always be interpreted as a lack of interest, because in reality “there may be an economic limitation that the other person does not feel comfortable explaining.” Pereira indicates that the best solution is “to talk about it naturally and without giving too many explanations.” “It is worth remembering that setting limits is a way of recognizing one’s own needs without experiencing them as a reason for shame or failure. Saying ‘no’ when there is an economic limitation is also a form of self-care,” adds the psychologist.
What signs indicate that the group is not being very empathetic? “When concerns are minimized, when someone who has said they cannot afford that expense is pressured, laughed at, or joked about their economic situation, or when activities are planned that exclude people with fewer resources,” Pereira points out. And she adds: “Empathy does not mean avoiding talking about money, but creating an environment where people can express themselves without fear of being judged, pressured, or excluded.” If a person stops attending plans due to personal and economic problems, it is likely that “they may begin to feel excluded or rejected.” Empathy is key to understanding the situation the other person is going through, who only seeks to continue their day-to-day life normally and without feeling judged.
In these types of situations, as Izquierdo explains, “an economic and emotional cost is paid to avoid exclusion that many times others are not even consciously causing.” “We all suffered a little during those first days of the trip. Since then, we organize plans prioritizing each opinion and without letting anyone end up harmed. And if we want to do something a lot and one of us cannot pay for it, we pay for it together. We do it on rare occasions so it doesn’t seem like a loan that has to be repaid,” Marina clarifies.